Worry

If there is anything that is true about motherhood its that as a mother you worry. My worrying began when I found out I was pregnant with Aidan, over 4 years ago. Isn’t it funny that it starts as soon as you know they are there. I worried about his development in the womb. I worried about the food I was eating and even the air I was breathing! Then, he was born. I don’t think there are words to describe how much I worried about my baby boy. Obviously his initial fight for his life shook me to my core. After he came home I was so overwhelmed, stressed and WORRIED about him that I would literally wake up standing by my bed thinking I had him in my arms and when I would come to I would go into this crazy panic looking for him. He was, of course, in his basinet right next to me but that was just how sleep deprived, delirious and worried I was.

When Aidan was a baby I cried AT LEAST once a day. I struggled several times a day trying to teach him how to eat. Something that came so naturally and easy for most babies was something he had to go to therapy for. I worried that he would never be able to eat and that he would have to be fed through the g-tube for the rest of his life. He didn’t:)

Today, Aidan is almost 5 years old and guess what, I’m still worried. When I started writing this post I was in tears. A concern that I’ve had for a couple of years was just confirmed…actually I should say I just accepted it. Aidan has a receptive speech disorder. It’s not a devastating diagnosis but don’t we all want nothing but the best for our kids? I’m convinced and have read several articles and studies that find a correlation between children that have been put under anesthesia and learning disabilities. I counted a minimum of 12 times that Aidan was put under. I just want to cry. It was the price he had to pay to be here with us.

Aidan’s teacher encouraged me to have him evaluated earlier in the year. I had him evaluated and the therapist confirmed our suspicions. Suddenly everything made so much sense. All of those times I got so frustrated with him when he could not give an appropriate response to a simple question even after telling him how to respond over and over and over again. It clicked but I was still in denial. I thought that all he needed was school and that it would resolve itself. It has gotten A LOT better and he has progressed so much but today I realized that it is still there and will probably always be there. This is yet another battle that he, with Rich and I by his side, will have to fight.

I need to clarify. I was in tears because I was angry with myself. I was helping Aidan with his homework and I lost my patience. I’m so disappointed with myself that often I am not the mother that my sweet boy needs me to be for him. It makes him sad when I get frustrated with him. Today was different. I have completely accepted his disability and WILL be all that he deserves.