Back To The Beginning: Tender Mercies

If there is anything that I relearned during our “ordeal” (for lack of a better word), it is that we have not been left here to find our own way through life. If we will be still, we will feel heavenly guidance. Nothing happened the way we had planned it and that was a blessing in disguise. My testimony that we have a loving Heavenly Father, that is in the details of our lives, was strengthened as Rich and I sat at Eva’s bedside in the NICU at Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake. As we reflected back to the beginning and recognized all of the little blessings that had led us to that point, we were both brought to tears. While it has been hard, we both know that everything has been as it was meant to be.

When we found out that I was pregnant, Rich carefully research doctors that specialized in high risk pregnancies. We knew that there was a really good chance that our baby would be born with Vocal Cord Paralysis since 2 of our 3 kids had it at birth. We wanted to be prepared and avoid the horrible experiences we had at both Aidan and Arabella’s birth.

Arabella's Birth

Aidan's Birth

We found a doctor that we really liked and ran with him, telling him from the very beginning our kids’ medical history. He was very reassuring and together we made a plan to ensure Eva’s safe arrival. As my due date got closer it was time to carry out our plan of inducing me so that we could be sure that 1- My doctor would be there, and 2- The NICU staff could be ready and in the delivery room. I was scheduled to be induced on August 16th. My bags were packed and I was sooooo excited and ready! Then, the night before the big day, I got a call from Labor and Delivery. They told me that my doctor had been in an accident and that he wouldn’t be available to deliver my baby. They didn’t know when he would be back and that was all of the information they could give me. They then proceeded to tell me that there is a new doctor(fresh out of school) that on occasion assists my doctor and he would be available to deliver my baby. Ummm, what? That was absolutely not a risk we were willing to take. If something were to go wrong we wanted somebody that had a lot of experience that could handle the situation. We passed on him. Why was this happening? After 9 months of planning, how could something so random, like my doctor falling off of a ladder (as we would later learn was the “accident”) happen at such a critical time? Now, looking back, even that was part of the plan.We looked into and asked about a couple of doctors that we felt good about but none were available. They told us about a Dr. Bitner that was willing to deliver but for some reason we both had a very distinct feeling that we didn’t want him to deliver Eva. We decided to just let it go and figure things out on Monday.

Rich and I had the weekend to think about what we were going to do. By Monday we both had a completely different feeling about Dr. Bitner. The bad feeling was gone and was replaced by feelings of peace. We scheduled the induction for the next morning.

The labor went very smoothly and I felt very little pain as the epidural, which KILLED going in, numbed me all the way up to my chest. I dilated quickly and was ready to deliver by noon. The doctor was called, the NICU staff was called and I was ready to push. I pushed a total of 2 times and during the second push the doctor told me to look down and I actually watch Eva being born. It was incredible. This was the moment I had been dreaming about for the past 9 months. I had pictured in my mind Eva coming into the world, belting out a loud cry, everybody saying congratulations and the nurse handing me my perfectly healthy baby. That is not at all what happened. She came out and let out tiny little squeaks of a cry. They gave her a chance. They gave her a bit of oxygen and then handed her, all wrapped up, to Rich. He brought her over to me so that I could see her but I couldn’t see her face because of the angle he had her at. I kept trying to lean forward to catch a glimpse of her face but the nurses kept telling him to give her back to them because her color was changing. That was it. They rushed her off to the NICU before I could even see her. I was devastated. Every dream that I had, every scenario of her being fine, that I had played out in my mind felt like a sick joke to me. I was almost angry at myself for feeling so confident and fantasizing  about what it would be like if she was healthy.

After they switched me to a different bed they rolled me in to see her. All I could do is cry. I fake smiled for a picture and then cried.

(I know I already posted these next two pics in the previous post but they are better suited for this one:)

They took me back to my room and left Rich and I alone. I sobbed uncontrollably and just kept asking why. Why couldn’t I have the privilege of being able to go home with my baby? Why did I have to go through this again for the 3rd time? Rich kept telling me how blessed we are and telling me to just be grateful that we have such a beautiful baby but I just couldn’t see past my pain.

Later, after I could move my legs a bit, they put me in a wheelchair and took me in to hold Eva for the very first time. This was the moment that everything changed for me. I got to hold this incredibly beautiful little miracle that I had carried for 9 months that was all mine. I instantly felt something come over me that made me forget about all of the “why me” and “life is so unfair”. Suddenly, I was the luckiest girl in the world that had it all. In that moment I knew that I was ready to take on anything and everything that we would have to overcome for this little angel from heaven. It was the single most empowering moment and I couldn’t help but smile.

Eva was transferred to Primary Children’s Medical Center in Salt Lake the very next morning. Rich brought the kids in to meet their baby sister before she was transported.

Even though this is horrible quality because it’s a picture of a picture, I love it! This is our first family picture:)

 

Transport team leaving with my baby

When we arrived at PCMC we were immediately put in contact with Eva’s ENT, Dr. Muntz. He did a bronchoscopy and, of course, found exactly what we told him he would find. Eva did in fact have Bilateral Vocal Cord Paralysis. Dr. Muntz, we would later find out, is one of, if not the best ENT’s in the western states. He is the head of the ENT department at PCMC and we were told by the hospitals trach coordinator that we were so lucky to have “drawn the Dr. Muntz straw”. Because of the day and time that Eva went into the hospital, she got the best ENT. This is when both Rich and I had a spiritual confirmation that The Lord’s hand was in the details. Every single thing that had happened to that point, was as perfect as it could possibly be. Things that I saw as major bumps in the road were specifically placed there so that we could all be exactly where we needed to be at the exact time that we needed to be there. For example, the bad feeling we had about Dr. Bitner on the date that I was initially supposed to be induced. I now know that the bad feeling wasn’t about him, it was that I wasn’t supposed to be induced at that time. We experienced so many tender mercies along the way that there was no doubt in our minds that even though our hopes of a healthy baby didn’t come true, Heavenly Father was more than just aware of us, he was guiding our path.

Two days old

One more little experience I want to write about because I don’t want to forget. The night before I was induced I couldn’t sleep. I’m sure that’s not out of the ordinary for anybody about to have a baby the next day! I was lying in bed feeling completely torn as to what I should pray for. I didn’t know if it was right of me to ask Heavenly Father to bless me with a healthy baby if it wasn’t the plan for my life. At the same time I was having such a hard time not asking for that and asking instead for strength to handle whatever happened. I didn’t want to ask for strength! I just wanted a healthy baby! So, as I was laying there for hours, I made this facebook post:

“Anxious and can't sleep. Isn't it hard to pray for faith and strength to be able to take on whatever might happen rather than praying that everything will go the way I want it to go? Sometimes trusting in HIS plan and letting go is hard and scary.”

This was something that I truly struggled with all night. After many hours of thinking and praying, I finally fell asleep. That morning, as I was getting ready for my big day, I was still pondering the feelings I had all night. I distinctly remember putting my shoes on and a thought coming over me that said, “His plan is ALWAYS better”. I felt so happy! I received my answer! I quickly tied my shoes and made this post on facebook.

“After a long and mostly sleepless night, I've decided that HIS plan is always more beautiful in the end. We are able to witness and appreciate the miracles that happen in our lives because of our experiences. We are so blessed!”

5 1/2 hours later, Eva was born. Heavenly Father knew that I need this answer. While I took a moment to mourn the loss of the dreams that I had of leaving the hospital with my baby, I was later reminded that, in fact, His plan IS always better. I will be a better person for it and I wouldn’t trade that growth for anything.